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Will Couples Counseling Help Your
Relationship?
When to let a third
person (a therapist) come between you and the one you love — and how to
get the most out of your time on the couch.
It's
one thing to get a spouse to agree to couples counseling; it's another
for the couple in question to actually get anything out of it once
they're seated in front of a third party. (Even under the best of
circumstances, hashing and rehashing what's gone wrong is not the most
pleasant way to pass an hour.) Worse, when you've reached an impasse in
your shrink's office, the mood — not to mention the chance for
relationship survival — can turn positively grim.
"My husband told me that if I expected him to go in there and spill
his guts, he would never do that!" reveals one frustrated Lifetime
Online community member who tried couples counseling recently. "If he's
not willing to take the steps to make this work, I honestly don't know
why he's going!" The truth is, while experts say you can't convince a
partner to try harder at therapy, you can improve your own
participation, and maybe salvage your relationship in the process. Here
are some tips to take to heart — and to your weekly sessions:
Be honest. Tell your man — up front — that you want to save
the marriage. Some couples get so hung up on listing their grievances
that they neglect to make this important point. "Say to him, I really
value our relationship, but I want more than we have, and I want you to
participate in therapy.
Often, just expressing such a strong emotion will encourage your
partner to be equally direct. And if he tells you he doesn't feel the
same way? It will be painful, but ultimately, it will be better for you
to get the truth on the table now, says Ward.
Acknowledge his emotions — and criticisms. Know that when a
partner does choose to speak up, you won't always like what you hear.
But try not to react negatively if he gets critical. "A woman may say,
'My husband never shares the way he feels,' and then one time, he'll
finally open up, and it'll scare her so much that she'll lash out at him
— and effectively send him back inward."
Indeed, some frightening things can come up in counseling; ideally,
it should be a place for couples to share their deepest anxieties and
vulnerabilities. "Any time a partner reveals his real feelings, there's
a risk involved," says Ward, which is why "we all do things to get each
other to shut up." So bite your lip and let your husband express his
emotions — even if you have to take a dose of criticism along with it.
Be patient. Many problems take years to develop, so it makes
sense that most fractured relationships can't be healed in just a few
sessions. Sometimes, it takes weeks, even months, to unravel thorny
issues. But as long as you're both still committed to the marriage,
stick with the process. "Keep plugging away," Ward says, "and there will
be breakthroughs."
Find the right therapist. Feel free to browse until you find
the right fit, just like you would when searching for a gynecologist. If
one of you doesn't have good chemistry with the counselor, consider a
change.
Think about seeing someone on your own. Sometimes, working out
your own issues in individual therapy can benefit the entire
relationship. Or, do what Susan Page, a former Presbyterian minister who
is now a relationships counselor in California, suggests: "Take a
breather from therapy for a while and try to save the marriage on your
own."
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